If you run a building business, you’ll know how fragile the client-builder dynamic can be. Building or renovating a home is both expensive and disruptive for clients. They’re stressed and emotions often run a little closer to the surface than normal.

Throw in some unavoidable weather delays, contract variations, misunderstandings around payment, and it doesn’t take much to fan the flames of conflict. However, as well as being an emotional drain, conflict can cost you time and money by slowing things down onsite or, in worst-case scenarios, causing reputational damage.

Knowing how to defuse these conflict situations can have a huge impact on the success of any individual project, as well as your business as a whole – not to mention your mental wellbeing, says Arabella Macpherson, who’s a communications specialist with 18 years of experience.

Arabella started out as an opera singer and actor but in 2007, after finding the LA scene quite ‘intense’, she parlayed her skills into corporate sales coaching. She found her new profession so rewarding that in 2011, she struck out on her own. Since then, she’s mentored senior teams from some of Australia’s largest companies, transforming their approaches to leadership, negotiation and conflict resolution.

In the building industry, she says, much of the conflict we experience comes from misaligned expectations. So what can we do to cool the situation when things get difficult with a customer or even a co-worker or contractor?

Build resilient relationships

The first thing Arabella wants you to know is that conflict resolution is not about band-aids or quick fixes. A peaceful worksite and smooth-running project happen when you spend time setting up a healthy relationship with your customers from the beginning.

‘No builder has ever gone in and, from start to finish, not had at least one variation, whether it be the tiles haven't arrived or a contractor has been caught on another job. There's always something,’ she says. ‘So, at the very beginning, you need to lay the foundation for a trusting relationship.’

How is this done? Clarify the overarching goal; in other words, you want to do the best job possible. Acknowledge that sometimes things don’t go to plan. Assure them you’ll keep them up to date and they can come to you with any concerns. Make sure they feel in control.

‘Talk about what you do and don't want,’ Arabella explains. ‘So we want a good, healthy working relationship. What we don't want is a situation where we're blaming each other and working out who's responsible for what. If we're fair and honest throughout this process, we should get this great result with as little stress as possible.’

From the Love Lab to the FBI

There are also some scientifically backed relationship-building techniques you can employ to divert and discourage conflict. The first of these comes from the Gottman Institute’s famous Love Lab.

‘John and Julie Gottman, who founded the Love Lab, are American clinical psychologists who have been studying relationships for 40 or 50 years,’ Arabella explains. ‘They say that to have a healthy relationship, you need 20 positive interactions for every negative. That's a normal relationship. When you go into conflict, you need five positives to every negative interaction.’

Arabella defines positive interactions as ‘listening, validating and respecting’, and they don’t just underpin personal relationships; they’re also fundamental to successful business relationships. ‘You can build up a bank of positive relationship points by making it one of your core values in the business.’

Amplify the power of these positive interactions by implementing a technique used by the CIA and FBI: ‘matching’ people physically and vocally. ‘This involves adapting your body language and vocal tone to theirs and repeating their exact words and phrases back to them, making sure they feel heard. If they're very loud, you're very loud. If they're very soft and quiet, then you're very soft and quiet. That helps them trust you on unconscious level.’

Crisis talks

Strengthening your relationships with clients delivers insurance against conflict. ‘It's hard for people to fight you or treat you badly if they've got a relationship with you,’ Arabella explains.

However, if a disagreement with a client does arise, try to defuse the situation by matching them, but with empathy. Then validate their feelings: I hear how frustrated you are. I know this is disappointing.

For staying calm under pressure, Arabella refers to the Process Communication Model, which was originally developed to support NASA’s astronauts. ‘The model that two people can only communicate if they're both in an OK space. As one person becomes stressed or goes into distress, they attack, blame or shut down and the other person will quickly follow. So what this means is you need to be good at self-regulation,’ she says.

‘Breath is the fastest way to regulate your nervous system. And if you take long, slow, deep breaths, guess what happens? They co-regulate to you. If they're shouting or getting angry, keep taking long, slow, deep breaths and just hold the space.’ Then offer them one or two options as to how to go forward.

Ultimately, Arabella says that conflict resolution is about acceptance. ‘The important thing is that we learn to unconditionally accept ourselves and others, that we don't judge people, and know we're always doing the best that we can.’